​It’s almost always possible to heal from heartbreak and repair a damaged relationship.  Then why do almost 50 percent of marriages end in divorce?  Indeed for subsequent marriages, the divorce rate is even higher. 
The problem lies with the fact that we make mistakes in relationships without taking advantage of the opportunity to learn from those mistakes to make changes that lead to reconnecting and strengthening with our partners, and with ourselves.

​These are typical experiences shared with me over the years by clients.  Many of them entered therapy to work on anxiety, depression or relationship struggles without recognizing the role their childhood hurt or trauma played in how they were feeling as an adult.  They had been working so hard to understand their feelings in the context of their adult lives, but hadn’t been able to make the progress or changes they felt they should.  Their worries and concerns seemed exaggerated, even unrealistic.  Their chronic sadness, in spite of having a rich and full life, was a mystery.  They found themselves caught in the same unhealthy patterns in their relationships, despite wanting desperately to love and be loved. 
The process of therapy revealed that each of these clients also had courage and outstanding strengths that helped them survive the emotional hurts, neglect, and in some cases physical abuse, of their childhoods.  In addition, they had all overcome significant obstacles in their adult life and even excelled in unique areas, though these were accomplishments they previously had not recognized. 
Therapists trained in trauma resolution can assist clients with healing wounds from the past using emotionally safe and clinically effective approaches specific for an individual’s needs.  By addressing these childhood experiences and how they impact the present, one is more fully empowered for lasting changes in how they feel about themselves and in their choices and relationships with others.  We can then be our best selves in the present, having released our ghosts from the past.

​Our relationship with technology is becoming an important behavioral factor in our mental and physical health, just like our sleep habits, diet, physical activity, social connectivity and other behavior choices.  And like with most behaviors, moderation and manageability of our use of technology is recommended by an increasing wealth of research.  Just as medical research tells us that, for many people, one glass of wine or cup of coffee daily can have health benefits, moderate use of technology offers advantages and resources in our lives.  And too much use can be a detrimental influence to our sense of well-being and even our physical health.  
 The trick is to recognize our own particular vulnerabilities to any negative impact of technology in our lives and to identify strategies for managing our use so that it adds value rather than to allow technology to manage us. ​Here’s a good example--

​ “Why am I attracted to the wrong people?” is one of the most common questions clients ask in therapy, accompanied by heartache, feelings of hopelessness and even shame.  As a therapist, I see this as one of the most tragic struggles in the search for intimacy and connectedness.  However in my experience, very very few people are actually trying to sabotage their own happiness or truly seeking an unhealthy love partner; in fact most people are searching for better ways to meet their needs for attachment and love.  So why do relationships become toxic? 
 Emotionally unhealthy people don’t have all the relationship skills needed to maintain a deeply intimate and committed connection.  But they often do have the more superficial abilities that work well in establishing an intense connection: charm, flattering attentiveness and instant and constant companionship that may include sexual intimacy.  These feel like the romantic and passionate feelings that we associate with “love”, and lead us to open ourselves to a potential mate.  Psychologists studying strategies used by cults to recruit new members have noted the use of similar tactics.

As Valentine’s Day approaches we look for ways to express our love to those important to us.  While the image of cupids shooting arrows that target the heart of our beloved reflects the association of St. Valentine’s Day and romantic love, the reality is that we bestow valentine cards, candy, flowers and other gifts on family, children, friends and teachers.  ​

Still, when we are in a relationship there can be both excitement and pressure associated with celebrating Valentine’s Day.  Newly established relationships feel the glare of the spotlight as the amount of attention and/or money spent may reflect the depth of committment or intensity of passion.  Long-term, committed relationships have seen many Valentine’s Days come and go, as well as many other shared celebrations posing a challenge for finding the right balance of acknowledgment, tradition and excitement.  Those without a special someone to whom they can send Valentine’s wishes would likely trade feelings of loneliness and being left out for the pressure and challenge of celebrating Valentine’s Day with a significant other.  
Celebrating special occasions is an important quality in a relationship, but on it’s own is not an effective indicator of how healthy a relationship is.  Much more important are the day-to-day interactions which strengthen (or weaken) the bond.  Staying “in touch” is one of these key factors that can take many forms: the good morning/hello/good night/goodbye hug or kiss, the can’t-keep-our-hands-off-each-other that characterizes an early stage relationship, the check in text during a busy day.  Sharing new experiences is another key factor found in relationships that are healthy and growing.  It’s easy to see this occurring in new relationships as partners get to know each other and explore their identity as a couple.  But partners in strong long-term relationships find ways to grow together like taking a dance class, traveling to new places or learning how to be better parents.