As Valentine’s Day approaches we look for ways to express our love to those important to us.  While the image of cupids shooting arrows that target the heart of our beloved reflects the association of St. Valentine’s Day and romantic love, the reality is that we bestow valentine cards, candy, flowers and other gifts on family, children, friends and teachers.  ​

Still, when we are in a relationship there can be both excitement and pressure associated with celebrating Valentine’s Day.  Newly established relationships feel the glare of the spotlight as the amount of attention and/or money spent may reflect the depth of committment or intensity of passion.  Long-term, committed relationships have seen many Valentine’s Days come and go, as well as many other shared celebrations posing a challenge for finding the right balance of acknowledgment, tradition and excitement.  Those without a special someone to whom they can send Valentine’s wishes would likely trade feelings of loneliness and being left out for the pressure and challenge of celebrating Valentine’s Day with a significant other.  
Celebrating special occasions is an important quality in a relationship, but on it’s own is not an effective indicator of how healthy a relationship is.  Much more important are the day-to-day interactions which strengthen (or weaken) the bond.  Staying “in touch” is one of these key factors that can take many forms: the good morning/hello/good night/goodbye hug or kiss, the can’t-keep-our-hands-off-each-other that characterizes an early stage relationship, the check in text during a busy day.  Sharing new experiences is another key factor found in relationships that are healthy and growing.  It’s easy to see this occurring in new relationships as partners get to know each other and explore their identity as a couple.  But partners in strong long-term relationships find ways to grow together like taking a dance class, traveling to new places or learning how to be better parents.  

Just in time for the holiday season, Common Sense Media has shared information about their study of how parents look at their own screen time as well as their childrens’.  Common Sense Media is an independent nonprofit organization whose mission is to help kids use media and technology in positive and empowering ways by providing guidance to families, teachers, and policymakers.  They provide an excellent resource for parents to educate themselves on safety and content issues as well.  While researchers frequently focus on how much and what children and teens are doing online, Common Sense Media’s research targeted parents’ use. Their 3 minute video shares the issues raised by their study in a powerful way that was easy for me to identify with as a parent.

 As a therapist, and a parent, I applaud the attention to how adults model for their children healthy, or inappropriate, choices with regard to plugging in.  Now, you’ve likely also had the experience over the past couple of years of being at a family or multigenerational group event and noticing whose attention is captured by their screen of choice--smart phone, tablet, laptop, even smartwatch—and whose isn’t; they’re the other people in the room surveying the scene. And it isn’t just the kids.  My husband and I have caught each other’s gaze, with eyebrows raised, over the holidays noticing that both the kids and the grandparents are on their phones. It can be endearing to see these diverse generations enjoying technology—usually in very different ways—and yet we have a different type of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out): Are we losing opportunities for important connections with loved ones right next to us?
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The good news is that it can be easy to promote healthy screen time with a few “guidelines” that will nonetheless need to be repeated often, for both kids and adults, in a matter of fact, nonjudgey tone:

1. Phones off the table for meals.
2. Save your photos to post after the event, not during.
3. Ask the group if its ok to look up a fact on your device during active discussion
4. Separate yourself from the group to check email or social media, or to make a phone call and limitit to under 5 minutes.  Step outside, find an empty room, or heck even make a (quick) visit to the bathroom. 

​Because every family has slightly different screen habits, it’s important to be clear about sharing expectations for gatherings.  Oh, and don’t forget to mind your own plugged in self!   

How do we have a healthier holiday with family?  Follow these simple (but not necessarily easy) tips:
Challenge your own expectations about what the holiday will be like.  Most of us prepare for holidays that are a product of our hopes, dreams and possibly unfulfilled wishes rather than a realistic and likely experience reflecting our actual history of family drama, superficiality, crises or unmet needs.  Being realistic doesn’t mean you are giving up on the perfect family.  Well OK, maybe it does mean that.  But giving up that dream allows us to focus instead on what’s truly possible to achieve within our family relationships, and that means we are more likely to find our family connections more meaningful.