On a recent trip to the beach I reacquainted myself with a simple, thin book that has been a source of inspiration I visit from time to time since I first read it over ten years ago. Gift from the Sea, by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, shares the author’s personal approach to the particular challenges for women in balancing the needs of self, family and the world.  Although first published in 1955, Lindbergh’s honest and down-to-earth perspective is relevant, and even refreshing, for women now.  From today’s tuned-in, turned-on lifestyles it may be hard to imagine that society of earlier generations also struggled with distractions and demands that interfered with inner peace and purposeful living.  Yet Anne Morrow Lindbergh, a wife and mother in public view in her day, describes perfectly the “ever widening circles of contact and communication.  It involves not only family demands, but community demands, national demands, international demands on the good citizens, through social and cultural pressures, through newspapers, magazines, radio programs, political drives, charitable appeals, and so on.”  I think she just described my day!  ​

I participated in a meditation exercise once that involved instructions to breath in through one nostril and out through another.  Kudos to those of you who have that talent—I couldn’t quite master that task!  Luckily deep breathing is much easier and simpler, and can be done almost anywhere and anytime. ​

Place one hand on your abdomen and one hand on your chest.  Breathe in deeply from your diaphragm, which causes your abdomen to expand and your hand to rise along with it.  After a full breath, exhale completely, feeling your belly fall while the hand on your chest rises slightly.  ​
And that’s really all there is to it. If you like, you can count to three, or repeat a word or phrase with each inhalation and exhalation (like “in with the good” and “out with the bad”).  Three to five minutes of this controlled breathing is adequate to trigger the relaxation response, but I start to notice positive benefits with as few as five of these belly breaths. Just like with everything in life, practice is the key to successfully using our breathing to increase relaxation and inner calm.

​It’s almost always possible to heal from heartbreak and repair a damaged relationship.  Then why do almost 50 percent of marriages end in divorce?  Indeed for subsequent marriages, the divorce rate is even higher. 
The problem lies with the fact that we make mistakes in relationships without taking advantage of the opportunity to learn from those mistakes to make changes that lead to reconnecting and strengthening with our partners, and with ourselves.

When you stop to think about it, when the romance and passion of a new relationship becomes less intense, there are an awful lot of chances for all our imperfections to take center stage and our strengths to be taken for granted.  We tend to focus more on unfulfilled needs than we do on appreciation of what our relationships do offer.  And it’s just a short step from there to poor judgment and attempts to get our needs met in ways that are not respectful to our relationship.

Affairs.  Betrayals.  Allegiance with other family.  Focus on work, money or substances. These are all choices that lead to neglect, withholding of love and support, and resentment. Relationship bonds become strained to the breaking point.
 
In a time of crisis, the contrast between what we don’t have in the relationship and what we do have is highlighted. When a couple can choose to use their relationship strengths to work together to identify and change the behaviors that have caused hurt, they are on the road to mend.
 
Accountability in behavior leads to feelings of compassion.  Respectful actions lead to rebuilding trust.  Consistency leads to feelings of warmth and love.  These simple tools are the effective medicine for relationship healing, however we often experience challenge in implementing them.  That is the time when outside resources, such as couples or individual counseling, can help us work through the challenge so we may engage our strengths more quickly and comfortably.  A therapist can also help a couple or individual evaluate objectively those ruptures that may indicate a relationship that is truly toxic and help partners transition away from each other and toward healthier lives.
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​These are typical experiences shared with me over the years by clients.  Many of them entered therapy to work on anxiety, depression or relationship struggles without recognizing the role their childhood hurt or trauma played in how they were feeling as an adult.  They had been working so hard to understand their feelings in the context of their adult lives, but hadn’t been able to make the progress or changes they felt they should.  Their worries and concerns seemed exaggerated, even unrealistic.  Their chronic sadness, in spite of having a rich and full life, was a mystery.  They found themselves caught in the same unhealthy patterns in their relationships, despite wanting desperately to love and be loved. 
The process of therapy revealed that each of these clients also had courage and outstanding strengths that helped them survive the emotional hurts, neglect, and in some cases physical abuse, of their childhoods.  In addition, they had all overcome significant obstacles in their adult life and even excelled in unique areas, though these were accomplishments they previously had not recognized. 
Therapists trained in trauma resolution can assist clients with healing wounds from the past using emotionally safe and clinically effective approaches specific for an individual’s needs.  By addressing these childhood experiences and how they impact the present, one is more fully empowered for lasting changes in how they feel about themselves and in their choices and relationships with others.  We can then be our best selves in the present, having released our ghosts from the past.

​Our relationship with technology is becoming an important behavioral factor in our mental and physical health, just like our sleep habits, diet, physical activity, social connectivity and other behavior choices.  And like with most behaviors, moderation and manageability of our use of technology is recommended by an increasing wealth of research.  Just as medical research tells us that, for many people, one glass of wine or cup of coffee daily can have health benefits, moderate use of technology offers advantages and resources in our lives.  And too much use can be a detrimental influence to our sense of well-being and even our physical health.  
 The trick is to recognize our own particular vulnerabilities to any negative impact of technology in our lives and to identify strategies for managing our use so that it adds value rather than to allow technology to manage us. ​Here’s a good example--

—when we’re tired, not available to be actively engaged or feeling lonely, we might gravitate toward reading work emails or checking out the latest posts on Facebook, scrolling through “news” sites, taking a break with a video game or checking out an episode of the latest series everyone is talking about.  For most of us, these activities can last an infinite amount of time: new emails come in as we’re going through our inbox, emails require us to redirect attention to an article, website or other task, there are constant news updates to pursue or photo albums to view, we are too tantalized by the plot of a show to stop watching at the end of the episode, or there’s yet another level or prize or points to gain in the game—there is rarely a finite stopping or completion point.  And that’s just how technology is designed—to capture our attention and make us want to stay forever.  The combination of the lack of built-in “stopping cues” ( such as the end of a chapter or winning a board game) and 24-7 access to our technology means that the challenge is on us to turn off and disengage from technology and consciously redirect our attention and energy.
 How bad for us is Netflix binging or relentless Candy Crushing or instant messaging with Emoji and Bitmoji finesse?  When we engage in these activities obsessively and compulsively, replacing tasks that are more important, engaging, rejuvenating or healthy or when we experience the strain on our physical body and interference with healthier choices for sleep time, eating, spending and social interaction, then we should face the real downsides of letting technology have the upper hand.  Simple (but not easy!) strategies like technology-free zones or periods of the day can make a big difference.  Common choices are putting phones away at the dinner table, work meeting, during a movie or program and (obviously) while driving.  A 30-60 minute buffer between screen activity and bedtime and keeping your device out of the bedroom or at a minimum on Do Not Disturb are habits that significantly improve restful sleep.  Another effective strategy is to set goals for the amount of time you want to spend in an activity and use the timer on that smart device to keep you within the limits you set for yourself.
 Technology is meant to aid us, not own us.  With some mindfulness about the ways technology can impact us negatively, we can make choices to minimize the downsides and master the many benefits of a high tech life.

How do I know if a behavior is a problem?  We are all individuals and the diversity of our behaviors reflects this fact!  When assessing whether someone’s behavior is a problem the best measure to use is whether this behavior causes problems for the individual.  Sometimes we may not label our behavior a problem but if a loved one, employer or law enforcement does then, the behavior is creating a problem.  I work with clients to explore the patterns and cycles of their behaviors, help them evaluate how these patterns impact their life and relationships, and develop resources for changing any undesired or unhealthy patterns.  ​

It’s important not to let terms get in the way of getting help.  Benefical treatment does not depend on a specific label or diagnosis.  A thorough assessment of troubling behaviors and options for change is a fundamental part of my work with clients to successfully address the patterns and issues that keep them from living more satisfying and successful lives.  ​

​ “Why am I attracted to the wrong people?” is one of the most common questions clients ask in therapy, accompanied by heartache, feelings of hopelessness and even shame.  As a therapist, I see this as one of the most tragic struggles in the search for intimacy and connectedness.  However in my experience, very very few people are actually trying to sabotage their own happiness or truly seeking an unhealthy love partner; in fact most people are searching for better ways to meet their needs for attachment and love.  So why do relationships become toxic? 
 Emotionally unhealthy people don’t have all the relationship skills needed to maintain a deeply intimate and committed connection.  But they often do have the more superficial abilities that work well in establishing an intense connection: charm, flattering attentiveness and instant and constant companionship that may include sexual intimacy.  These feel like the romantic and passionate feelings that we associate with “love”, and lead us to open ourselves to a potential mate.  Psychologists studying strategies used by cults to recruit new members have noted the use of similar tactics.

​When, inevitably, differences in thinking and opinion interrupt the peaceful harmony of this short-term state of attraction, emotional maturity and more complex relationship skills are required by both partners.  If we’ve become attached too quickly, by the time a partner’s understanding, tolerance, attention and affection has given way to inflexibility, unreasonable requests, distance, emotional manipulation and disrespectful attitudes or actions, we feel more confused and hurt than angry and willing to detach. 
 Some toxic partners are acting out their own insecurities while others may be exploitive and manipulative in all relationships.  Regardless of the underlying motivation, when blame for problems consistently targets only one partner, that person may begin to question his/her own experience of reality. The sense of self gradually erodes from being told “you can’t understand” or “you are making a big deal out of nothing, you’re too sensitive” or “your feelings are inconsiderate and selfish”.  Why do sane people get trapped in this toxic love?   A powerful dynamic is at play, with both persons trying to maintain their sense of self:  one partner does this by being in control while the other does this by clinging to the relationship and acquiescing control.
 Emotional regulation, empathy and respect (including self-respect) are relationship skills we learn within our families.  As adults we can unlearn bad habits or destructive patterns and relearn strategies that will pay off for us in a lifetime of healthy relationships and freedom from toxic love.

When the prominent, dominant mood state you experience is sadness and depression, that’s an indication that there is an emotional imbalance.  Not only is this a miserable way to feel, it can influence every area of your life.  

• Social: withdrawal from normal level of engaging with friends and family​