Toxic Love

​ “Why am I attracted to the wrong people?” is one of the most common questions clients ask in therapy, accompanied by heartache, feelings of hopelessness and even shame.  As a therapist, I see this as one of the most tragic struggles in the search for intimacy and connectedness.  However in my experience, very very few people are actually trying to sabotage their own happiness or truly seeking an unhealthy love partner; in fact most people are searching for better ways to meet their needs for attachment and love.  So why do relationships become toxic? 
 Emotionally unhealthy people don’t have all the relationship skills needed to maintain a deeply intimate and committed connection.  But they often do have the more superficial abilities that work well in establishing an intense connection: charm, flattering attentiveness and instant and constant companionship that may include sexual intimacy.  These feel like the romantic and passionate feelings that we associate with “love”, and lead us to open ourselves to a potential mate.  Psychologists studying strategies used by cults to recruit new members have noted the use of similar tactics.

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