On a recent trip to the beach I reacquainted myself with a simple, thin book that has been a source of inspiration I visit from time to time since I first read it over ten years ago. Gift from the Sea, by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, shares the author’s personal approach to the particular challenges for women in balancing the needs of self, family and the world.  Although first published in 1955, Lindbergh’s honest and down-to-earth perspective is relevant, and even refreshing, for women now.  From today’s tuned-in, turned-on lifestyles it may be hard to imagine that society of earlier generations also struggled with distractions and demands that interfered with inner peace and purposeful living.  Yet Anne Morrow Lindbergh, a wife and mother in public view in her day, describes perfectly the “ever widening circles of contact and communication.  It involves not only family demands, but community demands, national demands, international demands on the good citizens, through social and cultural pressures, through newspapers, magazines, radio programs, political drives, charitable appeals, and so on.”  I think she just described my day!  ​

​It’s almost always possible to heal from heartbreak and repair a damaged relationship.  Then why do almost 50 percent of marriages end in divorce?  Indeed for subsequent marriages, the divorce rate is even higher. 
The problem lies with the fact that we make mistakes in relationships without taking advantage of the opportunity to learn from those mistakes to make changes that lead to reconnecting and strengthening with our partners, and with ourselves.

How do I know if a behavior is a problem?  We are all individuals and the diversity of our behaviors reflects this fact!  When assessing whether someone’s behavior is a problem the best measure to use is whether this behavior causes problems for the individual.  Sometimes we may not label our behavior a problem but if a loved one, employer or law enforcement does then, the behavior is creating a problem.  I work with clients to explore the patterns and cycles of their behaviors, help them evaluate how these patterns impact their life and relationships, and develop resources for changing any undesired or unhealthy patterns.  ​

​ “Why am I attracted to the wrong people?” is one of the most common questions clients ask in therapy, accompanied by heartache, feelings of hopelessness and even shame.  As a therapist, I see this as one of the most tragic struggles in the search for intimacy and connectedness.  However in my experience, very very few people are actually trying to sabotage their own happiness or truly seeking an unhealthy love partner; in fact most people are searching for better ways to meet their needs for attachment and love.  So why do relationships become toxic? 
 Emotionally unhealthy people don’t have all the relationship skills needed to maintain a deeply intimate and committed connection.  But they often do have the more superficial abilities that work well in establishing an intense connection: charm, flattering attentiveness and instant and constant companionship that may include sexual intimacy.  These feel like the romantic and passionate feelings that we associate with “love”, and lead us to open ourselves to a potential mate.  Psychologists studying strategies used by cults to recruit new members have noted the use of similar tactics.