Toxic Love

​ “Why am I attracted to the wrong people?” is one of the most common questions clients ask in therapy, accompanied by heartache, feelings of hopelessness and even shame.  As a therapist, I see this as one of the most tragic struggles in the search for intimacy and connectedness.  However in my experience, very very few people are actually trying to sabotage their own happiness or truly seeking an unhealthy love partner; in fact most people are searching for better ways to meet their needs for attachment and love.  So why do relationships become toxic? 
 Emotionally unhealthy people don’t have all the relationship skills needed to maintain a deeply intimate and committed connection.  But they often do have the more superficial abilities that work well in establishing an intense connection: charm, flattering attentiveness and instant and constant companionship that may include sexual intimacy.  These feel like the romantic and passionate feelings that we associate with “love”, and lead us to open ourselves to a potential mate.  Psychologists studying strategies used by cults to recruit new members have noted the use of similar tactics.

​When, inevitably, differences in thinking and opinion interrupt the peaceful harmony of this short-term state of attraction, emotional maturity and more complex relationship skills are required by both partners.  If we’ve become attached too quickly, by the time a partner’s understanding, tolerance, attention and affection has given way to inflexibility, unreasonable requests, distance, emotional manipulation and disrespectful attitudes or actions, we feel more confused and hurt than angry and willing to detach. 
 Some toxic partners are acting out their own insecurities while others may be exploitive and manipulative in all relationships.  Regardless of the underlying motivation, when blame for problems consistently targets only one partner, that person may begin to question his/her own experience of reality. The sense of self gradually erodes from being told “you can’t understand” or “you are making a big deal out of nothing, you’re too sensitive” or “your feelings are inconsiderate and selfish”.  Why do sane people get trapped in this toxic love?   A powerful dynamic is at play, with both persons trying to maintain their sense of self:  one partner does this by being in control while the other does this by clinging to the relationship and acquiescing control.
 Emotional regulation, empathy and respect (including self-respect) are relationship skills we learn within our families.  As adults we can unlearn bad habits or destructive patterns and relearn strategies that will pay off for us in a lifetime of healthy relationships and freedom from toxic love.