Holiday Tips for Surviving our Families

• As if normal life wasn’t stressful enough, here come the holidays to add extra joy, calories, obligations, expense and drama into our waking and sleeping hours.  Sometimes we ask ourselves “why do I look forward to this?” but every year we generally find ourselves committed to much of the same insanity, reluctant to let go of our anticipation of the warmth of family and goodwill.  Then we find ourselves snapping at our children, having trouble holding back sarcastic comments, and maybe even crying in the bathroom while everyone else is finishing their coffee and dessert.

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How do we have a healthier holiday with family?  Follow these simple (but not necessarily easy) tips:
Challenge your own expectations about what the holiday will be like.  Most of us prepare for holidays that are a product of our hopes, dreams and possibly unfulfilled wishes rather than a realistic and likely experience reflecting our actual history of family drama, superficiality, crises or unmet needs.  Being realistic doesn’t mean you are giving up on the perfect family.  Well OK, maybe it does mean that.  But giving up that dream allows us to focus instead on what’s truly possible to achieve within our family relationships, and that means we are more likely to find our family connections more meaningful.

Do it differently.  Shake things up a bit.  When the dust settles old, dysfunctional patterns more easily give way to new perspectives.  Add new guests onto the traditional list of who’s invited to a gathering.  Try getting together at a different place—rent a vacation place out of town, celebrate Thanksgiving breakfast at a restaurant instead of dinner at a family member’s home.  Host a holiday dessert buffet instead of the full sit-down meal, or organize participation in a volunteer effort such as serving meals at a homeless shelter or adopting another family for Christmas or Hanukkah instead of going through the same rituals of preparing a big meal or gift opening.  When we explore a new path, everyone has an opportunity to be different with each other.  Change isn’t comfortable and there is sure to be resistance but encourage others to at least give it a try this year. Perhaps there is a new tradition in the making.

Expect the best of others.  This may sound like a contradiction to the first tip (have realistic expectations) but it’s really an add on.  Too many times our past hurts and resentments lead us to dread future events, making us a victim of our stress about things that haven’t even happened yet.  If we know everything won’t be perfect, but we can accept that others are doing the best they can, it makes it a lot easier to respond with grace and to be respectful when setting limits (“Now Uncle Henry we know you enjoy your after dinner cigarette but remember smoking is off limits inside our home”).

Have an escape plan. Tolerance has its limits, and there are some things that no one should tolerate, especially from family.  Hurtful criticism, verbal abuse, out of control emotions are all things that have no place at a family gathering.  When there is reason to believe things may not stay civil or tolerable, work out ahead of time how to handle extricating yourself from an unhealthy scene.  If you are the host, this can be a bit more challenging but some options include having a “second in command” who can take over while you take a time-out or can back you up if a family member needs to be confronted about their behavior immediately.  Hopefully you won’t need your plan B, but it’s important to have one ready to deploy.

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Don’t give up on looking forward to the holidays with family, but invest at least as much energy into preparing for healthier family holidays as you put into decorating, gift-giving and cooking for the best chance at thriving, not just surviving the holiday season.